


Shattered

by Xayah90



Series: My Letter to you [5]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: Based on the old Lore, Blood and Injury, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fear, Goodbye-Letter, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23760655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xayah90/pseuds/Xayah90
Summary: Xayah knows she made a huge mistake which she can never reverse.We all need someone to kiss us good bye
Relationships: Rakan/Xayah (League of Legends)
Series: My Letter to you [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1717777
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

How could that even happen? How could I have been so blind? It's all my fault. Our friends' blood sticks to my fingers. Knowing the rebellion was shattered because of me is bad. Knowing that most of my people died because of me is even worse. But the worst is the way Rakan looks at me. 

Disappointment. And doubt. I'd prefer him to just yell at me, let his feelings out, punch me in the face. Anything would be better than this look. I stare into the reflection of the water, my hair is tangled and uncombed, the rings under my eyes even stronger than usual. Three thick scratches run across my cheek, they are crusted and dark, standing out against my pale skin.

I assume that Rakan has bandaged my wounds, I don't even know how I escaped the battlefield. I probably owe that to Rakan as well. I tried to thank him for cleaning and handling my wounds, but he didn't answer. Didn't even look at me.

I went too far, I think I've irrevocably damaged our relationship. Would everything have been different if we had simply gone a different way two months ago? If we hadn't stopped at that river to fish? If we had just gone to the village, like Rakan had asked?

"No human villages" I said, I'm such a hypocrite! How can I say we avoid any contact with humans, and I don't stick to it myself? If I had just left her behind, would things have been different? 

When we picked up Vikaya it was the beginning of the end, but what could I have done? She was just a defenseless little girl and her big blue eyes had been so scared when she looked at me. How could I have left a defenseless little child behind? No matter if she was human or Vastaya. 

Maybe it was also because she reminded me of Rakan with her white blond curls and her big blue eyes, I don't know. But I couldn't bring myself to leave the little one behind. If I had been able to bring it over me and just keep going, would everything have been different?

I snorted loudly and a sharp pain went through my side, where the bandage is especially thick. The cut runs from my chest, over the ribs down to my hip, long and smooth - and painful. Rakan looks at me, raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. His silence hurts more than any wound on my body, and damn, I have many of them. 

"Rakan..." 

My voice is low, trembling. I feel empty, lonely, even when he is only a few meters away from me. Can you miss someone when he' s standing right in front of you? When you see him every day? He keeps looking at me, not making any sound. It's not the first time in the last few days I asked myself if he hates me. If my behavior has crossed the line. 

"Hm?" His answer is terse, not even a real word, and my stomach is aching. I feel a burning in my eyes and I fight against the tears. _Tears are a sign of weakness, something I can't afford right now._

"Talk to me... please. Scream at me, yell or hit me, but please don't punish me with silence." My voice falters, I try to get up, falling to the ground. My legs refuse to carry my weight. Rakan looks down at me, then looks away.

~ * ~ 

When I wake up the next morning, the place next to me is empty, I reach out my hand, it is cold. Rakan hasn't been lying there for a long time. Maybe the whole night long. I went to bed alone, woke up alone. I have not felt so lonely since my tribe disappeared.

My body is trembling, I can't control it. The old panic creeps up inside me. _Welcome back, old friend_. My stomach, my muscles are cramping again. What have I done?

_You've risked everything you cared about. Your loved one, your cause, the memory for your father. And for what? A Human. A fucking human child!_

I try to get up, one of the bandages has become loose and is hanging down on my stomach, revealing a deep cut, it's watering and reddened. I don't care. My thoughts center around Rakan, I climb carefully out of the tent and look around.

The surroundings are quiet, no sign of anyone else being present, neither hostile nor Rakan. I swallow, but my throat feels so dry, as though I haven't had a drink in months. Slowly I move forward, my gaze drifts over the surroundings, looking for any sign of Rakan, but I can't find anything. 

I go a few steps further, the pain passes through me as if someone had forced red-hot iron through my chest. I can't breathe, _can't breathe, damn it, I feel like I'm choking._ I lose my balance and end up with my face in the mud, the muddy smell of weathered leaves and stale water burns into my memory, mixed with the unspeakable pain the sword has inflicted on me. 

_Is this my salvation?_

\--- ~ * ~ * ~ ---

_'Give me the child.'_

_I shake my head and hold Vikaya close to my chest, stroking her hair. ''She belongs to us, we are her family! ' I look at the man pleading, my arms clasped around the girl._

_'She doesn't belong to you. She's not a monster like you, she belongs to us, to her real parents.' The man's voice is cold and I press her closer to me._

_My gaze wanders to the two people, it's a couple. They say they're Vikaya's real parents._

_If this is their daughter, where were they when my baby really needed them?_  
_Where were they when Vikaya sat alone by the river?_  
_What if she had fallen in there?_

_Where were those monsters when we rescued her?!_

_'Give her to them. This is her real family.' I turn around and press the child harder against me, Rakan doesn't look at me, his eyes are fixed on the ground._  
_"What?" My voice is hollow, almost a whisper. My eyes fill with tears._

_"Give Emily to her real parents. You should know what it's like to grow up without your parents. Do you want to do that to her, honey?'_

_My lower lip is trembling, my whole body is shaking. I squeeze my eyes shut and stretch my arms out towards the people from Demacia. My legs break as Vikaya is taken from my hands, I collapse sobbing on the floor._

_Rakan bends down to me, stroking my back in a soothing way._

_'This was the best for her, Xayah. I am proud of you.' His lips breathe a kiss on my scalp as I' m shaken by my sobs._

_From the corners of my eyes I can see the two people overflowing Vikaya with kisses, my heart breaks again and more tears run down my cheeks._

_"Out of my way, monsters.' The man looks down at me with cold eyes and roughly pushes me aside with his boot. I look at him with tear-stained eyes, he just grins, still cold as ice._

_"When I' m done with Ionia, I'll come for Demacia," I tell him. He takes a step towards me, his hand wraps around my face and he looks at me coldly._

_"Was that a threat?!' He spits on my hands._

_"A promise.'_

_I didn't know what I had conjured up._

\--- ~ * ~ * ~ ---

My body feels like it' s on fire, my hair is wet and sticks to my face, my clothes cling to my body. I' m covered in a layer of cold sweat. My cheeks are wet, nothing has changed. Since my life is destroyed, crying at night is part of my daily routine again, just like screaming and kicking. 

I can't remember the last time I slept in, probably not even once since I led the rebellion into the abyss. Just now I notice that I am lying in our tent, how did I get here? My face is clean, at least the major dirt is gone. Even the bandage has been rewrapped. 

I straighten up, the pain hasn't got better and I climb out of the tent carefully. Rakan sits with some distance in front of the fire, with his back to me. His ears twitch briefly in my direction, then back again. He doesn't react to me. My hands dig into my skirt, my fingers stiffen.

"Rakan?"

He's silent. Tears come to my eyes. Humans have taken everything from me, my father, my home, my trust in others, I have learned to live with what they did to me. I have learned to live again, for Rakan. Because of Rakan. 

And now, once again, the humans have taken everything from me. They have taken away my reasons for living, brutally murdered my friends and stamped my rebellion into the ground. The leader of the Dauntless Vanguard forced me to watch, to see me suffer for what I had done. 

For using magic. For standing up against the humans. For leading the rebellion. His troops showed no mercy, not even for children or women. They were as brutal and bloodthirsty as Noxus. 

A part of me died with the others the moment the blood of one of the children splashed in my face. 

Yes, the humans took everything from me, then and now. And from the state of things, they've taken more than I can handle. They ruined my life. Again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of the short story
> 
> have fun

"We must keep moving." My voice is low, barely a whisper. Rakan still doesn't talk to me, quietly he packs our tent together and throws his backpack over his shoulder. I grab mine, stagger. My injury heals poorly, I try not to show anything. He looks at me briefly, moves over without a word and grabs my backpack. He looks at me, his eyes are sad. Then he goes ahead.

I try to keep up with his pace, it' s hard for me. I still remember the time when it was the other way around. When I was moving fast, when he followed me. Would he even notice if I left? And would he care?

_He must have felt that way long ago._

If I just stayed here, would it bother him? Would he even mind? _After everything that happened, I doubt it._ My legs are trembling, I have trouble with walking, I bury my nails in my upper arms without thinking and hold on to myself. My teeth drill into my lower lip, I taste blood.

~ * ~ 

Our tent is set up by a river, the surroundings are rich in magic. Rakan probably chose this resting place on purpose to let my wounds heal faster so that we can continue travelling earlier. _So we can go our own ways faster, he just doesn't want to leave you alone in your condition._ A burning sensation spreads in my stomach, for a moment I wonder if I'll vomit. . 

Rakan still won't look at me. Slowly I walk towards him, reach out my arm, open my mouth to say something. I freeze. Then I drop the arm again, close my mouth. Nothing I can say will help anymore.

Slowly I go near him, let myself down a little at a distance, breathing deeply as the pain passes through my body. He looks up briefly, then lets his gaze slide back towards the campfire. He boils water. Does he want to make tea?

After a while he reaches into his backpack and takes out a piece of cloth and some soap. Carefully he puts both on another piece of cloth. Then he takes out a jar of dried camomile flowers, marigolds and witch hazel, opens it and puts several flowers into the kettle over the open flame. 

" Uncloth yourself." 

I flinch terrified, my face distorted in pain. Impatiently he looks at me. "Why?" My voice sounds like a beep. He's been ignoring me for weeks... ...is it okay if he sees me like this?   
I look down uncertainly, but then strip my dress, though timidly. Carefully he unwraps the bandages and looks at the cut, it's still watering and in the meantime it has changed its colour, dark red, in some places still bleeding. 

Rakan frowned, I looked at him questioningly. "The coloration. It shouldn't be, I expected the injury to have almost healed." His voice sounds worried. 

My heart is pounding. Maybe he doesn't hate me entirely, despite everything that's happened. Maybe, just maybe.

He dips the cloth into the water with the healing herbs and pats over the cut, I flinch, more because of the touch than the pain. A sharp pain runs through my body, my spine tingles uncomfortably. My whole body trembles, my chest rises and falls in choppy strokes, my eyes twist in pain. If I didn't know otherwise, I would say I' m about to lose consciousness. The pain is worse than most I have ever experienced. His stare doesn't pass my attention again.

~ * ~ 

It's late, the sun has set long ago. Rakan rests on the other side of the tent, his back turned to me. Outside, I have to get out of here, away from here. I need air, space, the feeling of being strangled is getting stronger. Trembling I hurry to the entrance of the tent, tear it open and step outside. The cold air hits my face, a true relief.

For a moment I think about just running away as far as possible, no matter where. Anywhere but here. Everything is too much for me, my nerves are strained to the breaking point and I don't know how long I can stand it without losing my mind.

Instead of running away I decide to go over to the river, the refreshing cold should help me to calm down again. I walk quietly humming across the square, in the slight hope that the familiar melody will help my frayed nerves.

For a moment I have the feeling to stumble, I fall to the ground, looking around in suprise. _But what have I stumbled over?_ I can't see anything. "Huh?" The sound escapes my lips and I can't control it. I try to stand up, but it doesn't work. My legs won't obey me. 

With all my strength I tense my muscles, try to stand up again, another failure. My pulse races in my ears, my heart beats faster. _What's wrong? Why can't I stand up?!_ "What...?" My voice is shaking, I feel cold sweat on my forehead. With one quick movement, I wipe it away and brush my hair away from my face. 

Not far away I see a huge branch sticking out of the ground, I reach for it, try to pull myself up to regain control of my legs. It doesn't help and after a short moment I fall back into my sitting position.

Panic spreads inside me, not the kind of panic I am used to, this one is new, frightening. In my desperation I punch with my fists on my legs, I don't feel anything. My eyes widen in shock, I punch harder. "Stand up! Stand up, damn it! You are my legs after all! Stand up! This is the only function you have!" My voice turns over in desperation as I continue to beat my legs. 

I lean forward and scream, screaming out my despair and fear. It sounds like the cry of a wounded animal, high and shrill.

~ * ~ 

I can't walk anymore. My legs don't work and I spend my days in the improvised bed that Rakan prepared. He sliced my sleeping bag open, since I can't use it without functional legs. More blankets and pillows are lying in the round nest he made out of our tent. He tries to make it as comfortable as possible for me, but I know the truth.

I am a burden, dead weight, nothing more. I stop him. Why is he still at my side? I stare at the ceiling of the tent, time doesn't pass. How much time has passed since Rakan was last here? How long would it take for him to come back?

Disgusted, I turn my head to the side, disgusted about myself. I can't take care of myself any more, I need to depend on Rakan. The daily changing of bandages has become a pure torture, but the wound seems to be getting better, it still moistens and has changed its colour further - it is almost dark brown - but the bleeding has stopped. 

Even if he doesn't say it, I can see that Rakan hopes for a positive future. For myself I am not so sure about it anymore. 

~ * ~ 

How long have we been here? My skin is even paler than usual, and my hair and feathers have lost their colour and become thin and brittle. Recently I noticed that my fingernails break off.

The only good thing I can take from this situation is that Rakan is talking to me again. And that I can' t kick around in my sleep anymore.

Ha. Ha. 

I spend most of my time asleep. Rakan says that's good.   
Sleep helps against illness and injury. Whatever has taken over my body, Rakan says I fight it bitterly. 

I wish I had his optimism.

~ * ~ 

Today is a good day, I feel strong and refreshed, my legs work again. Wobbly, but it's a success! My feathers and hair have become even thinner, so Rakan puts a thick blanket around my shoulders as he leads me out of the tent for the first time in a very long time. It' s winter, the snow is laying high. I' m as happy as a little child when he leads me through the snow, for the first time since Vika died he asks me to dance.

As if I could refuse.

Slowly and tightly we dance, snowflakes snowing down on us, for a moment even I believe that everything will be alright again. That I'm going to be all right. That we will rebuild the rebellion. 

Together we can get through anything.  
As long as we have each other, anything is possible.

As he leads me back into the tent, he kisses my forehead tenderly. It' s the first kiss he' s given me in months. My heart is pounding like it used to when we were courting. 

After Rakan has left the tent to make some tea for us, I reach for my note book, it contained all important plans for the rebellion, the list of food I was not allowed to eat during pregnancy, the day and the exact time when Vika saw the light of the world and left it again. 

I decided for myself to fill some more pages, for Rakan.   
Just in case of need.

~ * ~   
My instincts were right, my condition has worsened again. I can' t use my legs again, meanwhile the numbness has reached my waist, I feel more and more like a prisoner in my own body. I can no longer move my upper body, only my arms, shoulders and head still obey me. _For now_.

I feel worse day by day. I notice that my time on this world is coming to an end. Every day Rakan cleans the cut, it gets more painful every time and with every day I ask myself more and more how much longer I have to suffer.

The times I wish to be dead are now longer lasting than the times I am happy to be alive.

I am glad that I wrote my good-bye letter some time ago, I wouldn't be able to do so now. I hope the few lines will help him.

Will he forget me?   
Will he start all over again?

I close my eyes and can no longer suppress the tears. _Now it's all right to show weakness..._

~ * ~ 

I have never been so weak as today. I crave Rakan's presence, his arms holding me, his lips. I wish I had said yes. The last time he asked, I told him not to ask me until I was recovered. 

I regret the decision, at the same time I don't regret it. It's better that way. For him. 

He takes me in his arms, I feel his lips on mine, weakly I return his kiss. His blue eyes are so full of pain, I smile at him slightly. Gently he runs his finger over my cheek, tracing my tribal tattoo, dark red colour on pale skin. 

He doesn't know how grateful I feel to him. He made my life a fulfilled one. He saw something in me when even I couldn't. He never left my side. Even when I -


	3. Epilog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We all need someone to kiss us goodbye" - Marcie (Peanuts)

  
_My beloved Mieli,_

_It's kind of weird writing to someone who just sat next to you._

_I clearly remember the day we met. It is so long ago and yet I still remember it as if it was just yesterday._

_You stood on the stage, never in my life I saw such an impressive person (and never again afterwards). You stole my breath and buried yourself deep in my thoughts. To the point that I didn't even notice the mercenaries chasing me that day, can you imagine? You distracted me that much._

_In fact, you should never know how much you charmed me from the first moment I saw you. But let's be honest, if you're reading these lines here, it doesn't matter anymore, does it?_

_At first I thought you were a windbag, an arrogant womanizer who had nothing else in mind but the satisfaction of his desires. Someone who just doesn't want to grow up. But I found out I was so wrong about you, you were different than I first thought. Thoughtful, caring, gentle, I really didn't see that coming._   
_And you were kind and warm-hearted, although I had expected that._

_When you joined me, I honestly thought that you would soon leave again, that you would not get along with my personality, my behaviour. But you stayed, you gnawed deeper and deeper into my heart every day and you let my shield break continuously until I trusted you completely._

_I never thought that I could ever trust anyone again, then you came and changed everything._

_Do you remember that tavern brawl in Tevasa?_   
_We sat under one of the tables and you wiped the blood with your thumb from my cheek while the others around us smashed their heads together, even now I still remember the smell that day, a mingle of blood, sweat and vomit. You whispered that you fell in love with me and I confessed very quietly that I felt the same way, I still wonder how you could hear that through all that shouting. The butterflies in my belly flew up to my neck at that moment. That was so romantic!_

_I also remember that night after Mayra died, we sat around the campfire and you asked me what I would do if you died. I remember exactly how I said I would burn this world to the ground, build a castle from the ashes and live there alone forever. I still hold to that answer, I'd still do it. But I never asked what you would do._   
  
_So what **are** you going to do?_

_Or the days at the aphae waterfall, remember? I do. You danced for me and proudly presented me with a raptor skull adorned with your feathers. The look in your eyes, so tense, so hopeful. Even now I can't help but smile at the thought of that moment. When I gave you a raptor skull with my feathers... oh god, you should have seen your face at that moment! You were glowing, I've never seen such joy before._   
_The days there were so loving, so tender, it was beautiful and at the same time I was terribly scared, it was all so new to me._

_Do you remember the promise we made that day? Your heart beats for me and mine for you. And despite what happened, my heart still beats for you. Or it was beating when you read those lines... I'm terribly sorry that I broke that promise..._

_Nor have I forgotten all those nights when you kissed my tears away and held me in your arms to soothe me when my nightmares pulled the earth out from under my feet. I'm so grateful to you, you can't imagine._

_Every stupid idea, every plan condemned to failure was supported by you, even if you were sure that it would go wrong._

_The fire in your eyes when you joined my cause. Was it as important to you as it was to me? Though I'm the reason the rebellion was crushed. A debt I could never repay, even if I didn't follow the path of our ancestors._

_Do you remember all those nights lying under the open sky, watching the stars?_

_The times you held me in your arms and sang for me? Telling me stories?_

_So many memories come back to me, so many precious moments. The day we didn't tie up our boat properly and it drifted away in the stream. How we ran after it on the riverbank? For a moment I really thought we could catch up with it. Looking back on that moment, I need say it was just wonderful._

_When I think of the countless times we danced close together, my heart beats up to my neck again and I have butterflies in my belly. The dance in the snow earlier, it felt so good. You lighted up a spark in me that seemed to have already been extinguished._

_The day I realized we were going to have a baby, I remember it so well. You were so happy, weren't you afraid?_   
_Never in my life I was so afraid of the future as that day. We behaved like children ourselves so many times, how could we take care of one, protect it? You pushed aside all the worries and encouraged me._

_Later, I often asked myself if the camp was a safer place for us... for Vika..._

_Just giving orders and instructions from home was weird, the fighting, the adrenaline, the action was missing so much. But everyone listened to my orders, everything went well._

_The isolated house you prepared for us was beautiful and I really enjoyed the time there. It was the first time since my youth that I stayed in one place for more than a few weeks._   
_It was a new, incredibly good feeling._

_When Vika died... a part of me died with her. I felt so weak, so useless. I was really hoping everything would be all right. That we could start a family. And so we did, for a short time the three of us were happy and I was satisfied, my most yearning dream came true._

_You know what was especially painful? Our home was not quite finished yet, when fate already forced us to set the first gravestone, the one for our lovely little daughter. I could see that you were suffering as much as I was, but I wasn't able to talk. I withdrew until you pulled me out of my depth again._

_You're such a cruel man sometimes. You told me to dream again. I thought I was satisfied because my dream had come true... and I told myself it was enough... and yet here you are, watering that withered heart again._

_You know, Rakan, I was always honest with you. Except once, in all these years, I only told you one lie, intentionally._

_When I said I could handle Vika's death..._

_Can anyone ever really get over the death of their own child? I don't think so. I ~~should~~ had needed to retire as leader of the rebellion at that point. I wasn't in a position to make such weighty decisions anymore. And no one seemed to have the courage to speak out._

_I don't know if it would have made any difference. I really don't know what got into me. The attack was all my fault, all those who lost their lives in the Demacia attack are victims of my failure. I brought my feelings for Vika onto ~~Vikaya~~ Emily, a mistake that cost our friends their lives. Destroyed my cause. Drove myself into my grave._

_I know this is all my fault, but I hope with all my soul that someday you may be able to forgive me._

_Nothing I could ~~say~~ write would change anything, but I'm sorry. Small consolation, I know. _

_The time with you was wonderful, and I thank you for it with all my heart._

_Do you think you'll be able to avoid starting all over again?_   
_Was I able to live inside **your** heart?_   
_Do you think you'll remember me at least a little?_   
_Don't forget me, okay?_   
_That's a promise, okay?_   
_Please don't forget about me._

_I'm glad we found each other._

_I love you._   
_I love you._

_I love you._   
_Forever._

_Miella_


End file.
